Minimum Wage

I am simple appalled at the dismal state of minimum wage; it's just not going far enough. It's not good enough that families are struggling to support themselves. It's not good enough that people have to work 3 jobs to make ends meat. It's not good enough that people have to break they're back for pittance; they should also be breaking they're necks. Working highly stressful jobs with long hours and little pay is a step in the right direction but if we're going to oppress the poor we have to really get serious about this. (They're not going to oppress themselves, ya know.)

So here's my plan. First of all we need to really slash minimum wage. 7.25$ an hour? We can go lower then that can't we? I suggest a more modest amount like 2$ an hour.

Labor laws you say? Not with the power of waiver. See contracts are a sort of slavery. Already companies are having employees relinquish certain rights via contract waivers. Breaks, overtime, and unpaid wages can all be wiped away with a set of lawyers and a stroke of the proverbial pen. Companies are already using this contract system; so let's get this slave boat moving. Let's have them sign away minimum wage, holiday pay, and they're first born baby.

I also highly recommend targeting poor and high crime zones. See the more desperate the state of affairs, the more desperate the worker. They'll work for anything eventually. This has worked so well in places like Indonesia and China. And on top of making insane profits on the backs of slav- I mean workers, we'll also be looked upon as champions of industry, helping the lower class. In desperate situations anyone who is willing to take advantage of the less fortunate is always the hero. Because as we all know the best way to remedy a dismal economic situation is to pay as little as possible and put small business's out of work.

But why should we have all the fun. Once we have taken everything else we need to target hope. (I've heard hope is what people without money use as currency, I'm not sure though.) In any event hope can lead to raises and civil suits and unions and revolutions; everything we don't need. Since most of these jobs are customer service jobs, let's get the customers in on this. With all the money we saved from cutting salaries we can hire customers to make the workers lives more difficult. Have customers knock over drinks and cause messes that the workers, in-turn, have to clean. Hire customers to go into liquor stores and hassle the salesmen when he asks for ID.

These simple changes can really go far. Oppressing the poor is a difficult job but its an important one. We need poor people to collect our delicious, delicious money. So let's make sure we have poor people around for a long, long time. Now turn away I think I hear one coming.